Sir5R Journeys and Detours

I caught myself doing something odd tonight; pushing people who care for me away to arm’s length. I’m not entirely sure where this is coming from, although I do know that I am pulling more and more into myself as I ready, intellectually, for the next phase of my treatments. Is this why I’m having a bit of difficultly relating to folks? Or am I just tired of talking about the surgery? the surgery is only one visible aspect of what needs to be done here. Sure, its a great catastrophic view of nature of the cancer, but it is only one part of the war, a major battle won, but only one part of the overall strategy. The people we dined with tonight were family, and well informed. In spite of all their ohhhhs and ahhhs over how well I’m healing from the surgery, I know that they understand what is yet to come. I suspect that they understand it better than I do and that may be why they dwell on the current success; the next phase isn’t going to be so easy, so clear cut, progress so visible. I dread the radiation and the chemo. I will end up being even more dependant on the charity of others to get me to and from the treatments, to make sure I eat, to help me when I’m sick. This I find to be a disheartening prospect.

Okay, sure, I’m tired right now, and that may account for the maudlin attitude. Dealing with the pain and related frustration from my shoulder and my jaw is a bit draining. Allowing myself to be done for, instead of handling the doing myself is beginning to weigh on me. Today, Gail and I went to try to do a bit of Christmas shopping… and I spoiled it by wearing the wrong coat (too heavy!) and not paying attention to my body until it was too late. And, stupidly, I left the house without any pain meds! With the pain and discomfort, I retreat. I’m not ‘in the moment’ with her, and I know that it causes her major concerns. And it is starting to seriously concern me as well. She is the last person that I should be pulling away from, withholding from… but I can see myself doing it. I’m being hyper critical, much tougher on her than anyone deserves, especially her. I need to stop this. And yes, it hurts to hug her, but its what she needs and wants from me… so why can’t I give her that? Pain? Hurt? Embarrassment that I’ve gotten myself, us, into this situation? The meds?

Damn, but I gotta get myself back on track here! I’ve got to get past the shoulder and onto the next phase. I’ve also gotta get the cuddly part of me back in line… and make sure that Gail understands how much I love her.