Okay, I will admit that I am still trying to organize my thoughts, trying to figure out how to present the observations and feelings I have about my recent surgeries, so this blog is a bit lame at the moment. There are two thoughts that I will share right now, that I will put into some sort of context in a day or so once I work out a structure for the blog.

Thought One: When you first wake up in ICU after having a tracheotomy done, you feel like you can’t breathe… which is actually not true. For me, my sinuses are usually so full of crap that I can feel the ‘resistance’ of taking each breath. Each movement of air through my sinuses is felt, heard (internally) and instinctively understood that a breath has been taken. Once trach’d, I couldn’t feel the resistance. I woke up in ICU and because of the lack of resistance and sensation thought that I couldn’t ‘take a breath’… and panicked. There’s nothing to panic about; they’ve got you. It took me about fifteen minutes to intellectualize it and get my panic under control. And for some reason, David, the ICU nurse, told Gail that they let me do my own breathing faster than they do most people in ICU; they took me off the ventilator faster, letting me breathe for myself, but left me with the oxygen and the humidity. So basically, it seems that its about ‘control’ issues. I’m not entirely sure how to show you and assure you, but somehow you need to understand how you breathe, and be able to intelluctualize the tracheotomy. Just remember: don’t panic. The staff is there to help you, and they will NOT let you suffocate.

Thought Two: Don’t discount the effects of the surgery on your shoulder. My right shoulder is just killing me! And its largely ’cause of the surgery and the damage/changes/bruising done to the spinal accessory nerves during the neck dissection. Get into physio as soon as possible…