I’ve been meaning to get back to the ‘Short List’, and begin explaining each item one by one. So here we go…

Now, its interesting to note that on Saturday night (last night) we hosted a small gathering to celebrate the 46th birthday of a very good friend, who also happens to be the mother of our godson, also known as ‘The Boy’. The boy is now 14…

So, at this gathering we have 6 adults and The Boy, and way too much alcohol and not enough really important things to discuss… when the oldest of us, who we will call The Salesman to preserve his anonymity and our dignity, calmly pointed out to The Boy that there are three indisputable rules that will get the girls. The Boy was instantly interested. Strangely enough, so was everyone else at dinner. The Salesman is known for a certain level of outrageous behaviour, and we all waited to hear what was going to slide out of his well-oiled mouth.

Rule One: Learn and use your manners.
Rule Two: Don’t Get Drunk.
Rule Three: Learn to Dance and then do it!

Strangely enough, if you refer back to my original ‘Short List’, Learn to Dance is right at the top.

So, The Salesman went on….

Rule One: Learn and use your manners is about the ‘charm’, the ‘polite’, the ‘showing of respect’, and all within the context of the event. Its something that comes with time, but its also the ability to make it look like its second nature… almost an automatic, autonomic response. Knowing that, yes, you hold a car door open for a girl, but that you also mount and start a motorcycle before she does, and then knowing how to help her on… and how to help her with her hair under the helmet…

Rule Two: Don’t Get Drunk. She ain’t your mother and she shouldn’t be expected to help you to get to the bathroom or a convenient bush to vomit, and she especially ain’t the one to be cleaning up after you. And really, do you want her driving your car home, and then having to beg a ride home from your folks? Hell, no! Have some dignity, boy! Be smart enough to stay sober, stay straight enough to get her home. Hell, stay sober and straight enough to be able to ‘perform’ should the opportunity arise! Nothing worse for a girl on the prowl than a date with a slobbering drunk, a limp dick and the smell of puke and beer.

Rule Three: Learn to Dance and then do it! There comes a moment at all those high school dances when the girls are all clustered on one side of the hall, and the boys are all clustered on the other… and then, like a parting of the Red Sea, the clustered girls slowly form themselves into a semblence of a line, sorta like they are getting into position for a game of Red Rover, which, in a fashion, they are. Unfortunately, most guys don’t spot the move… and before they actually clue in to what’s going on, the girls are on the dance floor, dancing in small clusters with themselves. You’re lost… ya might as well go home, or go out and get drunk (remember Rule #2!). But, if you spot the moment when the girls are actually asking to be asked to dance, you’re in like Flynn… and what do you do? When they’ve gone into the Red Rover, Red Rover, Please Come Over position, get the hell across the dance floor and ask one of ’em to dance. And if she says ‘no’, ask another, and another… and you’ll be dancing all night, and maybe even snogging in the parking lot after the dance! Ya gotta ignore those scared little boys you’re hanging out with and get over there and take a chance. Hell, its not like you’re asking ’em to get married, or go steady… its just part of the mating dance, matey, so go ahead, puff out your chest and ask.

Oh ya, but know what you’re doing, okay? Get a girl, like your mum, to teach you how… and learn how to bloody well waltz. All those girls take something like ‘social dance’ in gym class. Give ’em a place to use it.

Well, The Salesman is pretty accurate. I’ll fill it out and fill in the blanks in another post… times up for now.